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They say 'tis often the tiniest among us hath the biggest needs. You hear that? Of course I do. I'm the one who asked. Easy, stranger. Your leg looks dislocated pretty bad. I'll pop it back in, but it's gonna hurt. Ready? Inhale. Hold. Hold. Hale. Always glad to help my brethren in the kingdom of life. Maybe someday you will help me.


What the human intimates you doing, freak? Bestial-ulating that skeeter?


I'm just a simple warrior for peace trying to do right by God's creatures.


You see what this weirdo here is saying?


Wait, which weirdo?


I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.


He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama! Take that!


Ooh, frittata.


Taste the pain! Take that! [Buzzing]


My eye! My visual connection to this beautiful world has been severed!


I got you, dang skeeter. Taste... taste... taste...


Frittata. Your interspecial combat was noble, wise mosquito. What's wrong? You're flying all funny. Did he clip you?

[Buzzing]


Frittata. Don't you dare die on me. [Echoing] No!


To be a hero, you have to go looking for trouble. Wherever there is suffering, I was there. Wherever there is injustice, I was there. And wherever there is crying... I'm right here. What's wrong, kid? These guys... They were Mexican, they were gang members, and they smashed my mascot costume. You need to slow it down. Relax. Inhale. Hold. Hold. Ahh. Hold. Hold. Little longer. Hold. Hale. Now, who did this to you? These guys... These Mexicans... They carved their tag on me, and I was supposed to be the new mascot of the team, and they were Mexicans, and they ruined my costume... I could be your costume. Do you think you can fit inside me? No, but you could tell people I'm inside you and go put on a show as the mascot and make everyone love me, 'Cause they think it's me, Not you. You're gonna have to go underground and hide. Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen. Your crazies have a brand-new mascot who's played by Percy Handfisher, sophomore whose parents were recently killed in a thresher.

[Booing]


Troubled High, give a warm, troubled, hey there, ho there to your troubled cra-a-zy! [Dance music plays] Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment?


Hey there, ho there, ladies


and gentlemen, the opposing team


is so intimidated by your


troubled crazy mascot, they are


forfeiting the game thanks to

Percival Handfisher.


Percy, I want to be your girlfriend!


I want you, Percy!


You did good, Percy.


Sorry for beating you up before.


I can take it.


I'm tough enough to join your little gang.


Nobody has ever survived our initiation.


Come give it a try.


Here's my card.


It's got embossed-gold 12-point


courier font on bone-white


semigloss stock.


Bone white?


I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white. Absurdity!


I'm the leader! I say bone white!


[Thinking] Lts haunting


elegance is so restrained.

See you tonight, Percy, and wear the costume.


Chief Master Guru,


you have so many wisdoms left to teach me.


Years of you and I together.


Of course, youngling.


Uh, what's that behind you?


I don't see any...


Chief Master Guru!


I vow to ramble these worlds and


find the evil ones who did this


to avenge your death.


That gets rid of that headache.


Yes, avenge me.


[Laughs]


Chief?


I did it.


You were a hit.


Everyone loves you now.


You even have a girlfriend.


Really? Is he disabled?


But stay hidden for a while.


I want to infiltrate the gang.


I just may have some avenging


chief beef to queef.


No, I can't stay down here.


Calm it down.


Close your eyes.


Inhale.


Hold.


Hold.


Hold. Hold.


Hold. Hold.


[Alarm blares]


I don't have your money, man.


Then I'm taking back what's mine.


Now boil his blood and get our drugs back.


Charge him a recycling fee.


[Knock on door]


Percy, I'm surprised you showed up.


Well, I'm not


surprised about how much I like to do crime.


You just passed the first test.


Now pass the second.


We just ordered a pizza, and


when it comes, you have to kill


the deliveryman.


Okay, but I want to


kill him outside, alone, in the dark.


It's okay.


We all have our own way of killing.


Me, I like to kill on the beach.


I like to kill to music.


It's kind of embarrassing,

but I like to kill on the toilet.


I think it's because, when I was a kid...


Kid, your mother just died.


[Farts]


Mocho, that's not why you


like to kill on the toilet.


That's why you don't like cereal.


Oh, yeah.


You are supposed to


be dead right now, but here... 20 bucks.


Get out of town and start a new life.


Hey, thanks, mister.


Thanks for the shot.


I killed him hard.


Pulled out his heart and showed


it to him, and he was like, "nice."


Bien.


Now phase two.


You have to watch us eat the


pizza with nary a slice for yourself.


Hey, he forgot our cuckoo-bread.


[Knock on door]


Uh, I know I'm dead, but I


forgot to give you your cuckoo-bread.


A g-g-ghost!


You got a ghost to bring us cuckoo-bread.


Percy!


You have shown true loco spirit.


I think you are a prime


candidate for our annual


Pauper-to-Prince program.


I thought this was my year.


Once a year, we let one


novice member sit in as gang


leader for a week.


I benefit, as I get to see the


gang from a novice perspective,


and then you benefit by


experiencing the hardships that


come with the administrative


role that I play.


I'm game.


Percy, I crown thee temporary


leader of the local locos.


What's on the docket for today?


Well, Wednesday night is tag Tuesday,


where we paint our tag all over town.


I propose a new loco tag...


Solid white.


Ooh, minimalista.


I can think so clearly


without all the visual clutter.


Now everyone will know the


locos are crazy about


postmodernist aesthetic


contextual reframing.


[Alarm blares]


Okay, Thursday night is mailroom Monday.


We just got our new shipment.


What do you do if the


cops come knocking?


We toilet-flush the drugs.


Let's stay one step


ahead of the cops.


Flush them now.


I like.


One step ahead of the policía.


[Flushes]


Hold. Hold.


Hold. Hold.


Hale.


[Exhales sharply]


That was...


Okay, inhale, Percy.


[Inhales deeply]


This is the very sort of


forward thinking the


Pauper-to-Prince program was


meant to engender.


Friday night is taco Tuesday.


This week, instead of


eating tacos, let's just talk...


Oh.


All: Oh.

So, who wants to


spill it first?


What do your heart spirits have


to say to your mind-sacs?


I guess I tend to use my


switchblade as a defense


mechanism.


You guys are the only family


I have... maybe because you guys


killed my family.


Before tonight, I could never


express myself with words.


I always did it like this.


["La cucaracha" plays]


[Crying]


You're right... Rape is not an excuse.


It's a reason, and tonight,


everything seems so reasonable.


I'm big now, but I recently


dropped 230 pounds.


Yeah, I dumped your wife!


I guess I told that joke as a


way to avoid the real issue.


I love your wife.


She dumped me.


How do they expect me to stay out of jail?


That's where all my stuff is.


Here's why I never take off


my shirt when we go swimming.


So she says, "Oh, that puppy

is the cutest thing in the world."


And it's like, I'm standing


right here, mom.

I'm standing right here.


Maybe I do have more issues


than a magazine stand, but all

those magazines are puro fancy.

I never wanted to be a vato.

I just want to groom and train poodles.

I secretly groom and train poodles.

Are you guys messing with me?

Whenever you turn your back,

I secretly groom and train poodles.

Watch.

Turn your back.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it!


I can't see.

My back is turned.

Passion... This is

what gangbanging ought to be about.

hank you, Percy, for showing

us how to follow our bliss.

We're out of the drug game forever.

Oh, no.

Shiny's coming to town,

and he wants his drug shipment.


We just flushed ourselves a

death sentence.

Who's Shiny?

He's only the biggest drug

dealer since Truman.

He's so rich, he had every

cell in his body platinumed.

Well, you just had

every cell in your body passioned.

Tell Shiny to meet us at the docks.

Where's my drugs, Chalaza?

I'm the local loco


leader now, and we're out of the

drug game for good.

From now on, "L.L." stands for

"Supportive Community of

Connected Spirits."

You give up your game, and

I'll get you a job at the jobby job center.

No deal, Shiny.


Fifi, cuddles!

I don't get it.


Now!


[Barking]

Are you prepared for this moment?

[Slowly] Frittata!


I don't want Percy to be our leader anymore.

You should have picked me.


Give... me... back... my... son!

Wait... sorry... I... mean... drugs!


[Buzzing]

That'll give you time to reflect.

I accept Jesus Christ into my


heart as my personal savior!


Yes, made it!

[Groans]


I know what we can do with


Shiny now.

You were so sexy out


there, Skeeter-beast.

You're my passion.

Sorry, but I'm with someone


who doesn't lie about who they


are on the inside.

Come on, Percy, lend me some sugar.

And now I ramble


forth on my endless journey to

be the greatest aid-spreader of

all time.

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